The mythology, like the corporation, simply must grow.
I. Oldie & Goldie; or, An Eternal Rivalry
Oldie sits alone in a booth at a diner. Sunlight shines across his table through the large glass windows. His bushy white hair and beard contrast his aged and weathered dark brown face. He’s dressed modestly in a long-sleeve polo, slacks, and loafers. He takes a sip from his mug, gazing sternly through the window.
His gaze is broken — Goldie enters the diner and sits across from him in the booth. They’re dressed similarly, and their physical features are identical. The only way to tell them apart is the glistening gold hoop earring that dangles from Goldie’s left ear.
Goldie pulls some documents from a leather folio and places them in front of Oldie. Oldie gives the documents a quick glance, and then locks eyes intensely with his brother.
From afar these two may look like the uncles who still call people “jive turkies” while grilling at the cookout, but there’s much more to them than meets the eye…
For eons, the beings we now refer to as Oldie and Goldie have served as the Stewards of the Opposing Forces, and you’re undoubtedly familiar with their presence across time, space, and cultures: Cain & Abel, Osiris & Set, Romulus & Remus, Shaka & Dingane, Goku & Raditz, Eli & Peyton, and countless others have channeled the fraternal malice of Oldie & Goldie. Of course their personal rivalries pale in comparison to their foremost responsibilities as Stewards: Oldie serves the one who bathes in the light of the Borealis and becomes a trillionaire, in other words me, and Goldie serves the one who eats of the flesh of the mushroom and becomes the People’s Champion, in other words You.
Back in the diner, Oldie maintains his suspicious gaze.
OLDIE: Why so generous?
GOLDIE: Just tryna keep the peace. Sooner or later you woulda found out.
OLDIE: Found out what?
GOLDIE: ……he found the Fa.
There’s a dolly zoom on Oldie’s face — he tries to mask the fact that he’s mortified, but can’t help his eyes widening.
Goldie unsheathes a fountain pen and places it on the table.
GOLDIE: Just accept our terms, and everything can stay how it is.
Oldie composes himself. He pushes the documents back across the table. He shakes his head to himself, his expression forlorn. He knows what must happen next. He rises and exits the diner.
II. What Are Friends For?
On Mt. Shoya, I enter the lounge where my precious Shoyarights are hanging out. Bin Shoya and Shoya-Kun are having a dunk contest on NBA Live 2005 on a 124” screen, the others are reading magazines or scrolling on their iPhone 17s.
My expression is grim. I announce:
ME: I have an important mission. But I have to go alone.
No one looks up from what they’re doing.
ME: I couldn’t risk putting any of you in danger, you mean too much to me.
No one bats an eye. Shoya-Kun attempts a lob to himself into a 360 windmill as LeBron James.
ME: This could be the deadliest, most consequential battle of my life.
Crickets.
ME: NO!!! DON’T TRY TO STOP ME!!! I TOLD YOU I CAN’T LOSE YOU!!!
I storm out, wiping a tear from my eye.
III. Me & You; or, The Fate of the Fa
Oldie and I arrive on horseback to a wide open battlefield. You and Goldie are on horseback half a league way. Oldie and Goldie ride to meet one another in the middle.
OLDIE: Just hand it over.
GOLDIE: No.
They each ride back, and deliver the message. I suck my teeth.
ME: (shouting) JUST HAND IT OVER!
YOU: NO!
Long ago, the Analysts projected that if I, Lil Shoyaright! aka Big C-Suite aka Corporation Man, should ever come to possess the Fa, then I would evolve……I would change……I would morph……into something……more unspeakably powerful……than my already unspeakable power……I would become……the FASHOYARIGHT!
The FASHOYARIGHT! is my ultimate form, an ascended state of being in which I manifest the Divine Corporation — where my every exhale is a merger and my every inhale is an acquisition, where my sweat is crude oil and my farts contain more gas than the Nord Stream, where as Midas, every item I touch turns not to gold, but to an LLC. I also turn super brolic and grow angel wings and get all types of crazy other powers idk use your imagination…point being it would mean the end of all the poor unincorporated souls of this world.
And You are the only thing standing in my way.
On the battlefield, I put in a pair of earplugs, and pull out a strange flute. I play three imperceptibly high notes, You clutch your ears and grimace. I stop playing. You look confused, but undeterred.
YOU: Cancelers! Advance!
The ground begins to shake — an army of Generation Z’s five thousand most formidable warriors assembles behind You. They resemble the Roman legion, except armed with circular solar panel shields and electric spears. They halt and form a phalanx.
Just then, the ground begins to shake again, and the sound of large wings flapping can be heard, as well as a faint hissing sound. Shortly after, a shadow is cast over the entire battlefield. You look up, and it dawns on you.
YOU: No, it can’t be.
The Crypto Butterfly descends to the east, the NFT Serpent slithers from the west, the Blockchain Rhino stampedes from the south right onto the battlefield!!! These three enormous, magnificent beasts with brilliant grey-green-purple skin stare down Gen Z's finest. I get down from my horse and leap 50 feet into the air and mount the Blockchain Rhino.
Me and You lock eyes. An unlikely quiet prevails for a brief moment. Then….
YOUR ARMY ROARS!!! MY BEASTS WAIL!!!!
AHHHHH!!!:LKJC:LVIKJHNSD:FOih;lKJSHDf;lkiJHSDG;ohsdSDFRWg!SDgadfg
And okay yeah so what I lost big whoop lol see y’all next year Happy New Year love y’all!
