Inhale deeply through your nose, down into your belly.
Exhale sharply through your mouth.
You're alert now.

After learning of the events at Mt. Shoya, some people expressed wonder at how I got to be who and what I am in the first place.

It's simple, really: I bathed in the light of the Borealis and became a trillionaire.

And now, another tale in which I triumph over an existential threat to moneykind.

Part I: The 7th Shoyaright

A monk shrieks. A nun gasps. A nomad laughs. The stone in the door, the hearth, the pendant that they were told would glow bright some day now glows. Why?

In a green maternity ward, a baby wails as it’s born. It continues to cry as it’s placed in a crib. In a purple maternity ward, a baby stays perfectly silent as it’s born. It remains calm as it’s placed in a crib. Oldie appears to be in both wards, he studies both infants. One of em is me, of course, but I don’t know which.

Many years later, me and the rest of the Shoyarights arrive back at HQ, all six dressed in our fatigues. It had been a long day: we had brokered a deal to install a junta in [REDACTED], and then went to see a play after.

BIN SHOYA: Many Jews, no?

The rest of us groan and suck our teeth. We find Oldie seated at the massive oak-slab table. A stranger sits beside him. Oldie watches me carefully.

OLDIE: Someone you should meet.

The stranger rises. We examine each other. Reader, it’s you! Yes, you! A green and purple aura surrounds us as we meet for the first time. You had been that other baby. Which one?

In the months that follow, we all take a liking to you. You become one of us. We shoot movies, record music, play sports, and of course, overthrow hostile governments and corporations alike. I should be more suspicious of you, but there’s a mysterious force keeping us in harmony. This would prove to be the first mistake of my entire life.

One day, as we all meet to discuss our approach to an ongoing mission, you make a comment.

YOU: Our objective should be to give the greatest number of people the highest quality of life possible.

An awkward silence takes hold of the room. Then, it erupts with laughter. The two of us lock eyes. You pretend to laugh along, but I know that I’m seeing your true face for the first time.

I visit Oldie in his glassy office. I’m in a quiet rage.

ME: Why did you bring me a Judas?

Oldie calmly reaches for a steel dossier, places it on his desk and opens it for me to see. It contains a pie chart that shows the major shareholders of Shoya, Inc. I know this chart in my blood, why show me this now? He points to one of the larger slices of the pie. Unlike the others, this slice has always been labeled with a question mark — my brain ignores it the way it ignores my nose. I was told this entity would only be revealed when....

My eyes widen! Could you really be...?!

Before I could act, you vanished from our lives completely.

Part II: The Bombing of Shoyastan

It’s years later now. The morning of January 20th, 2010, to be exact. I’m in my business suite, surrounded by a dozen political-looking, lanyard-wearing cronies in suits. We’re gathered around a large television, many of them are running around typing furiously on their BlackBerrys or taking calls. I’m seated, fully fixated on the television screen.

I get a call on my iPhone 21. I snap my fingers and the room falls silent. Everyone’s eyes are on me as I take the call. I listen carefully for a moment. Then I crack a grin, and give a thumbs up. Everyone explodes into cheers.

We all make our way hastily onto the rooftop helipads, where four choppers already have their blades spinning. We all board, and put on our headsets as we prepare for takeoff.

It’s the eve of the Citizens United decision, hence all the commotion. A legal curse had prevented me from setting foot on US soil for 8 years, and I had just gotten word that the curse would soon be lifted by the US Supreme Court. I was dying to smell that Wall St. air again.

Our choppers land at the clearport. As we walk across the airstrip toward our jet, I get another call. The caller is “UNKNOWN”.

ME: Hello?
YOU: It’s me.

I'm stunned.

YOU: I can’t let you go back.

Just then, someone points out a fleet of MRCA’s approaching on the horizon.

ME: Why are you doing this? Who are you?
YOU: I ate of the flesh of the mushroom and became the People’s Champion.

There’s a ringing in my ears. Everything's moving in slow motion. I drop my iPhone 21. The enemy jets drop their payloads, the bombs fall silently before: BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM AHHH YO WTF!!!!!!!

I board our jet, and we rush to take off. The enemy fleet ceases bombing and opens fire on us directly. I enter the cockpit.

ME: Turn us around.
PILOT: But sir, we can escape!
ME: FUCK THAT!!!

I snatch the pilot from his chair and take his place. I pull a quick U-turn and then press some buttons that make all these guns pop out on the jet omg lmaooo then I go DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT and down like 4 of the 5 enemy planes off rip. Now it’s just me and the last jet headed right at each other. I don’t blink or break a sweat. The other pilot realizes it’s too late to bail now. At the last second, I hit the eject button and the two jets collide causing an explosion that disperses the clouds around us. My parachute deploys successfully.

Days later, you’re at your base camp on the side of a snowy mountain. You receive a phone call. You remove your glove to answer.

GOLDIE: You have a problem.

A bright yellow cab pulls over on a bustling city street. The rear door opens, and a Nike boot makes contact with the concrete. I exit, stand tall, and take a loooong sniff.

Appendix

You may know of a disputed territory in Asia that’s bordered by three nuclear-capable nations. In reality, this area at the intersection of Pakistan, India, and China, known widely as Kashmir, isn’t disputed whatsoever. It’s known to those with high enough security clearance in their respective jurisdictions by it’s true name: Shoyastan.

The “dispute” is carefully maintained through mainstream propaganda so as to prevent the general public from learning the truth, that Shoyastan contains the highest density, largest volume, and widest variety of rare metals and minerals on the face of the Earth. The mountains are mostly diamonds, the rivers are mostly gold, and the sands are mostly lithium. Most importantly, it contains the rarest and most precious element of all, one that can only be found within its borders: Rightium.