While many of the world's most notorious billionaires (namely the Delivery Boy, Weird Accent Guy, and The Virgin) look to the stars to compete for interplanetary glory, the world's sole trillionaire pats them on the head condescendingly while setting his sights in the total opposite direction.

In a rare press conference held on the morning of August 16th, the CEO of Shoya, Inc. himself appeared to shed some (albeit dim) light on the strategy behind this unthinkable transaction. The conference was organized at the base of the Yellowstone Supervolcano, and attended by the world's most respected thinkers and journalists.

The Q&A was the only event, there was no public presentation on the matter. The format was mostly standard, though somewhat odd: Mr. Shoya was sat beside the genius actor Michael K. Williams, both matching in gorpcore's finest offerings. The CEO accepted questions, but only relayed answers via whisper to the actor, who then articulated them to those present. The two were flanked by a half-dozen standing scientists, most in white coats (though the one closest to Mr. Shoya wore one of a grey-green-purple variety).

Jake Tapper, CNN: ...why?
Flexing is my sexual orientation, next question.

Sheera Frenkel, NYT: Earth's core is completely molten, what exactly do you plan to do about that?
We just gon scoop all that shit out, tf? ...

[The lead scientist then whispered in the CEO's ear, who in turn whispered into the actor's ear.]

... Or we might suck everything out with like a big straw or something, still some minor details we gotta flesh out. Next question.

Kris Rhim, Boston Globe: Many people already refer to you as the 'Michael Jordan of Having' -- is terraforming just your version of a victory lap, or do you feel this gives you a real edge over your would-be competitors?
Excellent question, Kris!!! I love you bro, it's been a pleasure watching you grow as a journalist and I look forward to your continued success.

Chanel Rion, One America News: Great job, sir.
Next question.

Eugene Puryear, Breakthrough News: Isn't this a bad idea given--
SHUT THE FUCK UP EUGENE FUCK who tf even INVITED YOU?! Next question.

Malala Yousafzai: What about the children?
C'mon now Malala cut me some slack here.

[The session was then interrupted by some commotion toward the rear of the event, scored by gasps, whispers, and camera shutters. An elder wearing village clothes and bushy grey hair approached, and spoke with a voice like Barry White's.]

Anonymous: I have a question, my child, and it's one you've heard before. When Adam delved, and Eve span, who then was the Gentleman?

[Big Shoya suppressed a look of disgust and tugged twice on his earlobe. Two men promptly escorted the stranger away.]

And then, some say, the CEO wiped away a tear.

Addendum: This article was published in its exact form approximately 3 weeks prior to the news of Michael K. Williams' passing. I'm grateful to have expressed my admiration for him while he was still with us, and pray no disrespect.