Prologue! So those of y'all that have been keeping up with this weblog might be wondering exactly what's going on here at
Shoya, Inc. You might be surprised to see my name in the byline of this article cuz I know it's technically canon that I was swiftly and suddenly ousted from the company during the onset of these worldwide (ongoing) protests against racism. Don't worry, that's the subject of a future article. For now, just do me a favor and put a pin in allat.

I know that after a relatively long absence, time presumably spent in deep contemplation, I should wanna come on here offering measured commentary about what I think we should do given the grim state of the world…..so fuck it that's exactly what imma do but just, in the form of a listicle though ctfu. In other words, this might read like I'm endorsing media escapism on the surface level but all my fellow galaxy-brain trillionaires gone know exactly what's between the lines 🤝💯.

So boom, the way some people compile lists of movies/television on the basis of cinematography, writing, directing, editing, here's a list of animal performances that shoulda got a nod for 'Best Supporting Actor'.

I'm excluding any animated animals of any kind, cuz that's exactly what's wrong with our politics today fr... Too much zoom calling, not enough doom balling (that's a synonym for revolution and you heard it here first, MLA cite me dh).

War Horse (2011) dir. Steven Spielberg

This movie is….not good? It's under-historical (not historical enough to be called ahistorical), and the foreign characters don't even bother to speak foreign languages. If I wanted to hear a German who can only speak English, I would just talk to Sil lmao. I get that the target demographic was probably children, but all my yungbols know a Anglo-Teutonic wet dream when they see one.

We been knew Spielberg got that Peter Pan Syndrome or whatever so I won't dwell on it, cuz there is some good to come out of this particular iteration of it. The horses that played Joey and Topthorn (real names not listed on IMDb and we know why) gave us some solid performances. I was really convinced that they loved each other. When they neighed, I prayed.

And whenever I get a horse I'm teaching it the handflute thing for sure. The way things going now, we all need a horse that could come find us in a world war.

John Wick: Chapter 2 (2017) dir. Antoine Fuqua

LOL naw Antoine Fuqua didn't actually direct this but imma go head and blackwash this one cuz it's tough. A lot of people consider this a rare sequel that outdoes the original -- I'm not sure I agree exactly. If the first movie hadn't been so subtle about the mythology, all the great worldbuilding that finally happens in this second one couldn't be so enjoyable.

The acting was on point too. If I had to choose between the legendary Laurence Fishburne and the great Lance Reddick……….I'd choose Bubba the Blue Nose Pitbull as the supporting actor who I thought gave the very most. The chemistry he had with the Baba Yaga? Ain't no faking that. Daniel Day-Lewis, I got a notepad right here bro.

Out of all the movies listed here, I think this is the one I'm quickest to recommend these days cuz I'm pretty sure it's a perfect movie during times like these. At least for me, it's encouraging to see somebody be extremely good at...not dying.

Ard this article is ballooning now so imma just keep the rest of these short:

Next Friday (2000) dir. Steve Carr

LOL when they gave the dog (Chico?) the weed brownie he really was looking demolished yo fully truly smoked out 10/10 geekable I'm cracking up thinking bout it.

Black Like Meow (2020) dir. Zuff Shoya

Here go my bro imma just let this performance speak for itself.

Animal Farm (1954) dir. Joy Batchelor, Jay Halas

Ard I know I said no animation but since when do I color inside the lines? Hold up, look up at the URL real quick. Oh yeah, that's what I thought chew me.

Anyway I really don't care if you think Stalin is good or bad, long as you know that his particular 'failures' at government don't justify denying people universal healthcare.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011) dir. Rupert Wyatt

Yeah the ape who played Caesar snapped. I'm not sure exactly where they found all them talking apes at for this franchise but they did they thing, each and every one of em. We might gotta get like how they got in the movie 👀.

Life of Pi (2012) dir. Ang Lee

They say they used a CG tiger, but my cousin uncle friend uncle niece uncle uncle uncle worked in craft services on set and said they really used a real tiger and that's gnarly.

We need a spiritual awakening in this world.